Armchair Subs

One commonly given piece of advice to those who are new to BDSM is to read.  Go online, browse writings, blogs, fetlife groups, etc.  Educate yourself.  There’s one problem with this: There are built-in assumptions that the reader will be able to discern between the solid advice they’re reading and the total crap.

I hit that trap head-on when I was new.  As I read so many things online I told myself, “I thought I was a sub, but I guess not.  After all, I’m not willing to give total control of my finances, I don’t submit to just anyone who capitalizes their pronouns, and I have limits.”  I questioned whether BDSM was for me since apparently I wasn’t doing it right.  I almost didn’t get involved in the local BDSM community because I was worried I didn’t fit the mold.  Luckily I ran into a few people who told me it wasn’t like that in real life, and that provided me the encouragement I needed.

I run into this in lots of new people as well.  Quite a few new people have very, um,  misguided ideas of what the BDSM community is about and how it operates.  Many of them have the same reservations I had about getting involved because of that.  So I try to blast those fallacies out and replace them with some general ideas of how this works in the real world.

People give total garbage advice online.  One gem I saw recently was in regard to cuckolding.  Someone who was new was trying to understand how anyone can get off on cheating.  I explained the whole consent thing and that it’s only cheating if the sub doesn’t consent to that.  Some Official Internet Expert chimed in with (paraphrasing here) “Dominant women can do as they want.  They know what’s best for us.  It’s not cheating because she can do whatever she wants with no regard to the sub or the relationship.”  This guy, as is the case with most Official Internet Experts, was single and not involved in any kind of in-person BDSM community.

These are the kinds of people pro-doms often cater to.  They generally have this big totalitarian fantasy that they want to live for a short time until they get their rocks off.  Nothing wrong with that.  However, there is something wrong with pushing that on other people and telling them they’re wrong for not doing things the same way.  BDSM is an incredibly individual experience.  Telling someone they’re not doing it right because they have limits is a dangerous approach.  The people receiving that advice may feel pressured to push themselves well past a level of activity they’re ok with.  While many people are able to take the advice they read with a grain of salt, some are more prone to sacrifice to some degree their desires over to the will of another.  This is why education is important.  This is why I find myself countering the online wanker armies at every turn.  And I encourage you to do the same.

My Testicles are Demanding to Know What the Hell Happened.

I never thought I’d say this, but I went over a year (and counting) without an orgasm.  While chastity has been a form of play I’ve been into for years, constantly pushing further with it, I didn’t think it’d ever get to this point.  My first experiences with chastity were only a couple days at a time.  Days turned into weeks, then months, and now over a year.  Some things I’ve learned over this past year:

  • I eventually plateau.  The horniness does build the longer I’m denied, but once it reaches a certain point, it doesn’t go any higher.  That level can also drift back downward, even after being denied for a really long time.
  • There are occasions when it’s much easier than expected.  Some days I don’t even think about the fact that I can’t orgasm.  This is a good thing; otherwise, I’d find it hard to concentrate at work or other important times.  If it got to the point where it was interfering with my life, that’d be a huge issue.
  • How worked up I am is usually directly proportional to the amount of teasing and/or play I’m experiencing.  The teasing doesn’t have to be direct sexual contact; it can be a form of play I enjoy, more of a vanilla sexual flirting, scent, or even verbal taunting.  That level of hornification then stays with me for at least a day or two.  The more intense the teasing, and the longer it lasts, the longer I stay worked up afterward.  Without that, I can go back down to almost normal levels of horny.
  • I have more willpower than I thought.  Then again, maybe it’s just experience.  I’m a sober alcoholic.  After a decade of sobriety, I’m rather well-practiced in restraint.  And not drinking is a hell of a lot more difficult than not orgasming.
  • Motivation is part of the willpower.  I know if I orgasmed without permission, not only would T be disappointed in me, but I’d be disappointed in myself and beat myself up over it for a long time.  Plus, she’s made it clear that there would be very unpleasant consequences if I did orgasm.
  • Knowing my release date or a minimum limit (“You won’t orgasm until at least this date…”) puts my mind into cruise control.  I don’t get as worked up in that case.  I know I won’t be orgasming any time until then, so it’s pointless to even hope for it.  Instead, I just buckle in for the long haul.  My testicles put on little sunglasses and ease back into a recliner.
  • I don’t experience blue balls.  Some report it as pain in the balls after being teased and denied.  That just doesn’t happen with me.  It’s ok though- There’s still ball-kicking for that.
  • Casual play partners taunting me about not being able to orgasm adds another level of sexitude to the experience. It’s  like a group of people ganging up on me, even though they’re not the ones controlling my orgasms.
  • I don’t really look at much porn when I’m in chastity since I know it will only get me even more worked up.  Didn’t take me long to learn that lesson.
  • Likewise with masturbating.  When I’m not in a cock cage, I’m free to masturbate as long as I don’t cum.  But I know that would only drive me even further up the wall, so I don’t do it.  Unless, of course, T makes me edge.

This past year has been a strange ride.  It’s still odd for me to think that I didn’t orgasm in all of 2014.  An entire year.  It’s hot and horrific at the same time.  Like many other things I’ve experienced in BDSM, this isn’t something I ever envisioned myself doing.  I’m very curious to see what other surprises are around the corner.

Penis!

Toward the end of my last relationship, cuckolding was occasionally drifting back and forth in my head between a hard limit and a soft limit, or something I’d be willing to do for the right person given enough “persuasion” or outright force.  I didn’t say anything about it though; what if we decided to try it, and that day turned out to be a day when it was more on the hard limit side?  I wanted to make sure I was certain about it being a soft limit before bringing it up.  So I kept thinking on it and processing my thoughts.  Once I reached that point where it became a soft limit with no wavering (maybe a month after we split) I posted on here about it.

I’m currently going though that same back-and-forth process with another type of play.

Strap-on play has been something I’ve found hot for years, but I’ve never experienced a bio-cock other than my own.  At this point, it’s safe to say I’d be up for play and/or sex with a trans woman.  I’d need to be attracted to her (as is the case with any other play partners or sexual partners) but doing something like that is very much within my current limits and something I’m curious to explore.  So I’m not really doing the back-and-forth with that anymore.  That’s on pretty solid ground as far as being feasible is concerned.  I’ve come to the realization that I’m attracted to people who present as feminine, regardless of whether that person has a dick or a vag. With me attraction is more about the presentation, not the parts.

What I am drifting one way and another with is forced bi.  There’s a big problem though in that I have yet to meet a man I find attractive.  One possible workaround would be a glory hole, but not a true random-stranger type setup.  I rather enjoy being not dead and I’d like to stay that way, so random guys in seedy glory holes are absolutely not an option.  If we were to try this, T would know his identity and would need to have the STI conversation beforehand.  But prior to that, the first obstacle is to stop drifting back and forth on it.  There are occasions when I find myself thinking it could possibly be hot, given enough involvement from T in the scene.  Maybe.  But there are other times when it’s still a limit.  I don’t feel safe exploring something when I keep changing my mind on it from day to day; that’s just asking for disaster.

I’ve already been made to eat other mens’ cum on a couple different occasions, so that aspect wouldn’t really be anything new.  From what I can tell so far, the appeal of this type of play for me seems to be more of power and d/s.  Most of my major hot-button kinks are ones that push me hard and make more evident her dominance over me.  Things that cause my brain to scream, “Oh fuck, stopstopstopstop please make it stoppppppp!”  Considering that this is something that has always been firmly in hard limit territory for me, I think it may have that quality as well.  Maybe I’ll find out at some point.  This process took a long time with cuckolding though, so I don’t expect this to be any different.  One step at a time.

Putting Kink in Reverse

For years, face slapping was always rather hot to me.  Not so much the pain itself, but more the social connotations of it and the helplessness aspect.  Doing this to someone is essentially saying, “I’m doing something to you that’s very insulting, and you can’t do a thing about it!”  The appeal is similar to that of face-spitting, though the latter is far more powerful to me as a tool of humiliation.

But slowly, face slapping had been becoming more of a negative experience with me.  I noticed this just starting to happen 4 or 5 years ago in my last relationship.  It was a very slow fade.  I remember having a really hot face slapping scene with my last partner that went really well.  Yet over time, something started to change and I’m not sure why.  So I mentioned this to T a while back, and we agreed to try to reclaim face slapping.  We started a scene that was nothing but face slapping.  I ended up safewording after a couple minutes.  It put me in a reeeeeeally bad headspace.  I got pissed.  I wasn’t pissed at her since I knew her intentions were good, so there was no real direction for my rage.  It took me a few minutes to calm down.  I couldn’t even stay still and ended up pacing around until I got my head back together.

So I’ve added slapping to my limits list for casual play partners.  T is the only one who has that option.  It’s just not something I’m willing to do for anyone but her at this point.

After giving it a few months and thinking about it, I realized a couple things that may have been part of the problem.  One is that there was no real recovery time between each slap.  Maybe five seconds at most.  For a lot of play involving pain, I need a bit more than that in order to process the pain; otherwise it becomes too much.  (As an aside, more recovery time also adds to the casual confidence and the “toying with the sub” vibe.)  The other part of it is that on many other occasions when face slapping has happened during a scene, it was very sudden and unexpected.  It took me off guard and pulled me somewhat out of the scene mentally almost every time.  So those two things may be part of the key to making this work.  It’s something I’m willing to experiment with more (not right away as I’m recovering from an unrelated concussion) but I’m not super eager to.  I would like to reclaim the eroticism of slapping, but I also worry about a repeat of last time.  If we want that to happen, we’ll just have to push past that concern and give it a go.

Another Piece of the Puzzle in Place

In my last relationship, I was with someone who wanted to cuckold me.  I always immediately shot the idea down.  Wouldn’t even consider it.  It was very much in hard limit territory.  But toward the end of that relationship, my fantasies started to shift a little, as they tend to do over time.  Cuckolding was still a hard limit, but a scene involving being made to eat another man’s cum started to creep into my head now and then.  I’d been made to eat my own cum on plenty of occasions, but there was a tiny spark of curiosity developing; I had a feeling it would be more intense and more d/s-ish if it were another man’s cum.

Those conflicting feelings ate at me.  I couldn’t figure out why I could be open to doing that one thing, yet still be a brick wall when it came to cuckolding in general.  It took me a long time, but I sorted it out.

Cuckolding had always been framed up to me as a relationship dynamic.  That was seemingly the only way to do it.  The dom could go out and fuck whoever she wanted, with or without the sub present.  There could be feelings involved with the other men they fucked (sort of a one-sided poly) or they could just be fuck buddies.  I met women at events and talked with others online who wanted to get into cuckolding because it gave them the benefits of poly and/or swinging without the responsibilities; they didn’t want to share their partners with anyone else, yet they wanted to share themselves with others.  It’s a rather lousy thing to tell someone through your actions, “You’re going to learn to handle the heavy emotional baggage involved with this dynamic, but I’m not willing to make the same effort for you.”  This really rubbed me the wrong way as it’s a horribly selfish way to approach a supposedly loving relationship.

In trying to figure it out, I saw all the typical portrayals in femdom and cuckolding groups online, and for some reason, I believed them.  I watched the pitiful, emasculated subs being told they were nothing.  I read the disdain from the other men (fuck buddies, bulls, whatever you want to call them.)  I witnessed the way the women in the groups talked about how their sub’s needs didn’t matter at all since they were disposable and useless.  I started to believe this crap, not realizing it was yet another stereotypical porn fantasy.  I didn’t realize there are so many other ways to do cuckolding.

The cuckolding purists (every group has its overzealous purists) may disagree.  The standard definition of cuckolding is that the couple is married.  And the sub doesn’t get to fuck anyone else or play with anyone else.  Sometimes he doesn’t even fuck his own wife.

In reality, it doesn’t have to be that way.  It’s possible to do cuckolding as an individual scene rather than as a relationship dynamic.  Marriage isn’t necessary to make this happen either.  This is where I stumbled when I first started having those fantasies; I didn’t separate the stereotypes from the reality of it.  For some reason I hadn’t considered that doing a scene like this was even an option.  I thought it had to be the porn cliché or nothing.  It seems that those who get into this in a non-stereotypical way are far less vocal, so I never saw it.

After all that time arguing with myself, tossing ideas around in my head, and wondering why I couldn’t figure this out, I finally have it nailed down.  It simply comes down to cuckolding as a relationship dynamic vs. cuckolding as an individual scene.  While the former is still firmly in hard limit territory for me, the latter can be a mind-blowing, incredibly hot, oh-fuck-please-make-it-stop type of ordeal.  A scene like this can be a shared experience rather than an exercise in selfishness.  Such a basic solution to a problem that followed me around for some time.

My Inaugural Post as a Norse Deity

The other night was a night of expanding boundaries.  And then stomping on those boundaries.  And setting them on fire.  We ended up popping a few play cherries as well in addition to doing some play that was formerly a hard limit for me.  T implied that she had something special planned for that night, but I had no idea what.  I am coming up on a birthday, which is also the same day she collared me two years ago.  It’s a birthdayversary.  So there are celebration-worthy occasions about.

I picked T up from work and we went to my place.  She told me to strip and kiss her feet.  She then made me clean the soles of her sandals with my tongue.  This has a pretty intense cognitive dissonance with me.  All I could think as I was doing it was of her earlier comment that day about how dirty the floor at work is.  My brain wanted it to stop, but certain other parts of me disagreed vehemently.

Afterward she had me crawl into my cage in the living room.  Before closing it, she put earplugs in my ears and a hood over my head.  She had only done this once before, so I started to guess at what was coming: some sort of group scene.

She kept me in the cage for what felt like about an hour.  Eventually letting me out, she led me upstairs, still hooded.  Upon removing the hood, there stood two of our friends, a male-female couple.  I’ve played with the female half of this couple a few times before, and it was always gobs of fun.  She and T wasted no time in getting me into position.  They had me kneel at the foot of my bed (facing the bed), stretched my arms wide, cuffed them to the footboard, and popped a set of nipple clamps on me.  One thing was present that I wasn’t used to seeing during a scene: cake.  They brought a small cake with them, and it was sitting on my dresser.  After some initial biting, scratching, and ass-smacking, they began saying how nice it was that my male friend was going to help decorate my cake.  His partner mentioned that it was even nicer of T to help him with this decoration.  As she said this, T got up on the bed, on all fours, face-to-face with me.  He then proceeded to fuck T from behind while his partner probed my ass and bit me.  In this position, I was unable to turn away, my face a foot or two away from T’s as she moaned and writhed.  She’d occasionally look me in the eye or smile at me, letting me know how much she was enjoying rubbing this in my face.  Her face was saying, “I’m loving this and you can’t do a thing about it!”  Her cheeks became flush after a while, and this time I wasn’t the one causing it.  I’d yank on the cuffs, but they didn’t give at all.  At one point T realized this whole situation had made my dick stand at attention; she just looked at my hard cock and laughed in my face while enjoying someone else’s hard cock.  That absolutely drove me up a wall!

I also had the realization that this was actually happening.  Something that had always been a hard limit for me was now going on.  For real.  Not in my head.  Not on some fet group or in a story, but in my bedroom.  Flesh and blood.  This was reality.

After a while he stopped fucking T and asked for the cake.  To both women’s cheers, he came all over it, and they set it aside.  Afterward, his partner had me suck her dildo, which resulted in an orgasm for her and was ten pounds of sexy.  The three of us played some more while my male friend watched.  Eventually he had enough for round two, and masturbated onto the cake again.

Still kneeling and cuffed in place, T brought the plate of cake over and cut off a bite-size piece.  She dragged it through the cum on the plate and brought it up to my mouth.  “Please, no…” I said, which was met with , “Open wide!”

BDV (4)

She kept feeding me forkful after forkful, making me shudder.  I couldn’t taste the cum at all, but I could tell it was there from the texture.  Not as bad as eating cum straight, but still difficult.  Then T said, “Now I’m going to make it even better” and walked away.  She came back shortly after with a cup of her piss. . . which she promptly poured all over the cake.  They uncuffed me and led me downstairs to the kitchen.  The plate was placed on the floor, and T made me start eating.  It was mushy and warm.  I can’t say I’d ever had mushy and warm cake until that point.  The three of them cut a slice for themselves from a separate cake, one devoid of piss, cum, and other such lavish garnishments.  They stood there eating theirs, remarking on how good it was, while I gagged and swallowed piss cake.  (As I write this, I’m eating a leftover piece of the cake not covered in bodily fluids; they were right, it is really tasty!)

This wasn’t the end though.  T wiped my face off with a paper towel and led me back upstairs.  She showed me a picture online and the trail of comments that followed.  It was a picture she’d posted after our anniversary scene in December.  She’d carved “happy anniversary hardcore legend” into my back that night.  (For an explanation of that nickname, click here.)  The guy who dubbed me with that nickname commented on the photo right after it had been posted, saying he should’ve given me a longer nickname.  I jokingly suggested “Sir Thor LionHammerThunder, Great Defender of the North.”  This exchange occurred soon after the picture was posted in December, and I’d forgotten all about it.

That smartassery came back to bite me.

BDV (32)

This cutting took a while.  Last time she carved words into my back, I had a really hard time not squirming all over the place.  This time, it was a little different.  T started humming softly at one point, which is an ASMR trigger for me.  She was going for a creepy vibe by quietly humming a song while cutting me, which she definitely accomplished.  But at the same time, it relaxed my head just enough to avoid crawling off the bed.  I still felt every cut though.  Also, our female friend kept rubbing my legs (and at one point I think sat on them?) which helped as well.  I was able to tolerate the cutting without any real sudden jerks this time.

Soon after, our friends left.  Laying on the bed with T, I found myself spontaneously begging her to let me cum.  Begging is still difficult for me, so the fact that I did it without her telling me to speaks to how worked up I was.  I was stunned when she said yes, but I wasn’t going to question that.  After six months without being allowed to orgasm at all, it felt amazing.  Fireworks.  It felt like my brain was short-circuited for a minute or so after.  She did have me eat all my cum afterward, but I was still so floaty and happy that I got to cum that it wasn’t as bad as usual.  Strangely, after long periods of chastity, when I finally get to orgasm again, I sometimes get into a giggle fit right after.  I had a small one after this orgasm too.  Definitely a solid way to end the night!

Does Horniness Inspire Growth, or Vice-Versa?

Lately I’ve been wondering whether my tastes are genuinely evolving or simply shifting temporarily due to chastity.  There are times when T will tell me to edge myself, and occasionally she’ll ask what I was fantasizing about while I did it.  This is one way she gets into my head to find out what my current playlist of fantasies is in my ideal little cranial kink-world.  For the past few months, those fantasies have been getting more intense and boundary-pushing.

I’ve mentioned before how my limits have evolved over time.  Things that were once hard limits for me now are not.  Some scenes involving former hard limits are also now some of the hottest memories I have.  Even if I wanted them to stop as they were happening, those scenes are incredibly sexy in the rear-view.  I can recognize that potential quality in some other forms of play that we’ve been discussing as well.  Some of the favorite scenes I look back on are often ones that pushed me hard, though not necessarily with pain.  Likewise, a lot of the things that I’ve been fantasizing about lately are also limit-pushing.  There seems to be a definite shift happening in that direction.

On the other hand, my fantasies can also get more extreme when I’m not allowed to orgasm.  As time goes on, my fantasies and interests become more intense.  I’m more willing to have my limits pushed.  I’m able to go further.  My pain tolerance doesn’t increase, but in pretty much all other areas, I want more.  My kink drive increases in both scope and intensity.  Since I’m going on six months since I was last allowed to orgasm, it’s very possible that my interests may be growing more intense just because I can’t cum.

Either way, I see no reason not to push those limits while they’re pushable.   Whether it’s a temporary change due to chastity or a more long-term shift, pushing limits and exploring new things is almost a fetish in itself for me.  And if something works out, then there’s one more thing that can be added to the regular rotation of kinks as often as desired.

But it also creates a conundrum since I have an incredibly difficult time asking for most types of play.  It feels like I’m topping from the bottom, even though T has said she doesn’t see it as such.  This difficulty is compounded when it’s a type of play I realize that I won’t want in the moment and will most likely regret asking for.  I just can’t bring myself to ask for something I know I won’t want as it’s happening.  Unfortunately, most of the things I’ve been thinking about (and that we’ve been talking about trying) fall under that category, so I haven’t asked.  Sucky communication on my part, I know.  I’m unable to shake that feeling of topping from the bottom or being the stereotypical whiny “do this to me then do that” sub.  But I also realize she’s not psychic.  So doing things like updating the perv list or her asking me what I’m thinking about are pretty solid middle ground.  They’re ways for me to get my thoughts and desires out in the open without directly saying, “Can we do this and this and this?  Now?  How about now?  Not yet?  Ok, how about now?  Now? ”

Aside from the difficulty in asking, there’s still the question of what difference it makes whether this is a temporary chastity-induced shift or something more long-term.  I don’t suppose I’ll know for sure until after (if?) I’m allowed to orgasm again.  If those boundaries start to drift back to their old locations, then I’ll know it was the chastity.  Though if that happens, it opens yet another door.  If we do a lot of these types of play while my boundaries are higher/broader than normal, then I know I’m capable of going that far, even if I no longer have the drive to when not in chastity.  I have a feeling it could deepen the d/s between us if we were to continue those types of play even after the tides have pulled back some.  I suppose it’s a moot point trying to figure it out until that day arrives.  Definitely an interesting thought experiment though.  And one that I’ll probably keep coming back to.