Reservation and Hesitation about Exploration Leads to Less Gratification.

People worry about trying too many new things.  There’s a concern of reaching the end of BDSM.  “Congratulations!  You’ve done it all!  There is no more BDSM left.”  Their main worry seems to be getting bored or reaching a level of intensity where the only new thrill comes from mutilation and dismemberment.

So to avoid flying too high, they choose to barely leave the ground.  To avoid trying too many new things, they stick to what they know.  Out of fear of potential boredom in the future, they create boredom now.

I feel these fears of running out of BDSM are unfounded.  While there may be a finite amount of possible activities, who’s to say they will ever get boring?  I still enjoy lots of entry-level things that I got off on from the start: bondage, impact, foot worship, etc.  I do breath play without being rendered unconscious.  I get into impact without being beaten to the point where I have fractures.  You don’t have to keep ratcheting up the intensity in every type of play in order to get something out of it.  These things don’t get old when you enjoy them.

Adding more items to the menu only helps stave off boredom; you have so many more things to choose from.  You can pull different activities from your repertoire for each scene.  And you avoid the typical “rack-and-whack” boredom trap some fall into.  When you’re only doing a few different types of play, there aren’t many combinations or ways to keep things fresh.  But when you add more and more to the mix, your options multiply exponentially.  A restaurant that served only five items would get old pretty quickly; one that serves five hundred items never gets old.  I see no reason to avoid exploring this vast buffet of BDSM.

We all have a list (either physical or mental) of the things we’d like to try.  Looking at my list, the majority of things that we’ve tried have worked out incredibly well.  If you try some new forms of play like that, why not do those things again and again?  It’s just one more flavor to add to the mix.  We don’t stop doing other things just because we tried something new.

Another reason I don’t understand the aversion to exploration is that sometimes tomorrow doesn’t come.  You end up regretting all the missed opportunities.  Whether it’s due to illness, someone moving, accident, the relationship ending, or any other life-ish stuff, things sometimes end far sooner than we’re prepared for.  You may end up saying goodbye not only to that person, but also to all the what-ifs, all the things that you wanted to do “someday”.

Every day is an opportunity.  Don’t wait for a special occasion.  “Someday” is now.

Shedding Limits

During a conversation with T the other night, the topic of bisexuality came up.  She (and many others in the community) has been teasing me for years about how she wants to see me get fucked by or suck off another man.  In regard to me having sex with another man, she said, “Yeah, that’ll never happen.”  That made me think.  There are a lot of things in BDSM that once elicited the reaction of, “oh, hell no, never” from me.  And those are things I do now.  For example, drinking piss and getting fucked by a woman with a strap-on were once hard limits for me.  Over time, these things somehow morphed into things I’d be willing to do if pushed hard enough.  Often it happened slowly enough that I didn’t realize it, until one day I realized, “Hey, this isn’t a hard limit anymore.  I might be willing to do this for the right person if persuaded properly.”

More recently, eating another man’s cum was a limit.  But even this limit went away, and T made me do that at one point a while back.  That was not something I ever thought I’d do.  Yet it happened.  Even watching her fuck or suck another man and be made to clean up afterward is no longer a limit.  That’s huge for me.  I don’t know why these things can morph over time.  What’s more, I’m not sure if there’s a conscious way to change limits.  Even if there is, is it ethical to attempt to alter someone else’s limits?  I imagine that depends on the scope of d/s within the relationship.  (Note that there is a difference between trying to slowly change limits over the long term vs. just trampling those limits nonconsensually.)

In regard to my current hard limits, who knows what tomorrow will bring?  I’ve been surprised at the limits which have evaporated thus far, and I’m sure that any limits that disappear in the future will take me off guard as well.  I’m only a decade into the BDSM journey, and from what I’ve seen, we never stop learning, growing, and changing.

When it comes to bisexuality in particular, my issue is that I’m simply not attracted to anyone presenting as masculine, regardless of what’s in their pants.  I am, however, very attracted to femininity.  And parts are different than presentation.  So there may be a workaround there.  Even then, it’s not an experience I’m actively pursuing.  I could see this type of scene working to some extent, at least in theory.  I do reeeeeeeally get turned on by oral forms of dominance- foot worship, armpit licking, strap-on fellatio, cum eating, rimming, gags, mouth soaping (at least in theory) etc.  So that aspect of it at least has potential.

Erasing limits, from my experience, tends to run smoothly when it happens at its own pace.  Then again, I’ve never experienced pushing past limits by any means other than that (for example, using d/s to nudge it along) so I wouldn’t really know.