Last night, T and I played at a party. We typically get a small crowd watching us since we play hard. When they saw us bringing our toy cases in, they enthusiastically filed right in the room and sat along the walls.
After the party, I was left with the same feelings I usually have after playing publicly. I felt frustrated that I wasn’t able to get into the scene as much as when we play privately. While it was still an intense, fun scene that I very much enjoyed, it never has the same vibe as when we play privately. And I don’t think this is something either of us can fix.
It’s not a self-conscious thing. I’m confident with my body, and for years now I’ve been comfortable baring my underbelly on this level (emotionally speaking) in front of my friends and/or random party people. While I don’t consider myself an exhibitionist (though I do enjoy the compliments afterward) I’m not shy about public play either.
The mindset is different, as are the sensations. I have a harder time getting into the headspace I usually attain when we play privately. Sometimes it feels like I’m simply tolerating what she’s dishing out when we play in public. The pain seems harsher, less erotic. I can even get a little irritable during a public scene. It also feels like I can’t take as much pain in public; it’s probably a 25% reduction on average. There are physical signs as well- For example, I usually get hard during ball-kicking in private, but rarely in public.
This frustrates the fuck out of me. And there’s a lot of fuck in me to begin with.
I can’t figure this out. I see no reason why I shouldn’t be able to get into it just as much in public as in private, and no reason why it should physically feel different just because a few sets of eyes are on us. With public play, I still experience the catharsis that I get from private play, and I thoroughly enjoy the way she smiles and shows her approval immediately after the scene is over. That makes me happy, especially when it was something difficult that I just made it through.
I know these feelings aren’t sub-drop. I’ve experienced that plenty of times before, and this isn’t it. This frustration even happens during the scene and extends to afterward, while drop happens after the scene is over. Also, this is not an overarching/all-encompassing feeling like drop is. This frustration is one feeling of many that I experience throughout the night, fading in and out, interspersed with other feelings. I’m still capable of being social and having a good time; with drop, I tend to be more antisocial and just want some time to myself.
Whatever is going on with public play, it irritates me. I get a little angry with myself at times, even though I know I’m doing everything I can to make it work. I’m just not sure what to do other than keep trying.