Man-meat

I’ve been thinking about the paradoxical (at least for me) nature of masculinity lately, and one of Bitchy Jones’ recent posts struck a chord with me.

I’ve been called butch by friends before, which felt a bit odd being applied to a guy. I dress in a masculine way which emphasizes
my body. One guy in the local scene even said, “You’re the only normal male sub I know” since I’m not the stereotypical obsequious sissy maid type. Working out and dressing this way gives me a boost in confidence and makes me feel sexy when I go out. I take pride in my appearance. When I go to a bdsm event, I’ll be in jeans (which fit properly) or leather pants, a somewhat snug shirt, or maybe a leather shirt. I don’t go in a French maid’s outfit. Pretty much the exact opposite.

On the other hand, I have done some feminization play in private, and the woman I was playing with and I both found it hot. To me, the appeal was more that this isn’t who I am in daily life, so it pushed me some. If I were in that state all the time (by my own hand or someone else’s) it’d lose a lot of appeal.

Plus, I think the traditional gender roles are a bunch of crap. Being told that we should do certain jobs around the house, get specific careers, or take the majority of responsibility for romance just because of how we were born is hypocritical and worthless.

Masculinity itself has become a caricature. When people talk of masculinity, some often cartoonish images come to mind. Yet we’re expected to hold ourselves to these played-out standards and be the crotch-scratching, overly-hairy, money-throwing, willing-to-do-anything-for-sex, drunken frat boy types who aren’t able to talk about feelings in any capacity. Personally, I refuse to be that. It’s not who I am.

For me, masculinity has two faces. There’s the sexy, comfortable side, and there’s the prefabricated stereotypical sludge that others push on us.

Just Freakin’ Brilliant

One of the more common things I hear in regard to teasing & denial comes mostly from the guys; they say that they’re more attentive when they’re locked up.

I call bullshit.

How about taking some responsibility for your actions, wheezy? You control your actions. How much attention you give is entirely in your own hands. It has nothing to do with whether or not your cock is in a cage. The lack of a chastity device does not prevent you in any way from treating your partner well. If you choose to be less attentive when you’re not locked up, that’s your own choice, and you should be held accountable for it.

This is simply manipulative behavior. People use this as an excuse to engage in the type of play (t&d) that they enjoy. “Oh, I’m not being attentive……you’d better lock me up.” This is no different than a parent buying a toy for a kid who’s screaming and throwing a tantrum; rewarding negative behavior only reinforces that behavior.

If you love the other person, treat him/her well. Period. It has nothing to do with gender, d/s orientation, or whether or not your cock is locked up.

Love to Love Your Lovely Lovin’

I think that was a song.

People lose sight of what’s important sometimes. This is especially true in relationships. When bdsm is involved, even more so. Some start to think bdsm is about making the sub do inane things. Or that it’s about one person’s enjoyment. Or following a script. Or housework. Or S/strange C/capitalization.

When did the “relationship” part of it disappear? Do you still love each other? Did you ever?

In a relationship, I expect love to be the base everything else is built on. Love comes as a package deal, and it includes things like respect, honesty, and a genuine concern for the other person’s happiness. The latter part of that is antithetical to making someone miserable. And making someone miserable is what some think that bdsm is about.

Love and bdsm are not mutually exclusive. They’re much tastier together than they are individually. Yet so many have never experienced this combination, so they continue to think that bdsm should involve emotional turmoil and general unpleasantness. The dommes strive to make the subs miserable, and subs tolerate abusive behavior because they think it’s their “place”. That’s not bdsm. That’s not love. That’s a skewed, bastardized version of bdsm that many have come to accept as reality.

Bland BDSM

C’mon, people, why so serious and dull?

What happened to bdsm being fun, sexy, and cathartic? Instead, so many turn it into something bland. A struggle. Mundane.

They talk of tasks, housework, protocol, and structure, and then they wonder why their sex drives are nil. Restricting yourself with these things is no different than restricting yourself to missionary-only sex. Remember the spark you had when you first started exploring bdsm? And all the things that turned you on? What happened? They’ve been replaced by some staid script, a rule book.

If you remove the sexiness from your relationship, is it really any wonder that things tend to get dull? Even though you still talk about living “the lifestyle”? You’ve got a big toy bag full of toys, yet you only use them to enforce the scripted nature of the relationship rather than using them for bonding, fun, or love. Do you need a reason to play? Really? Does it always have to drive some point home, to be a punishment or reward? What happened to doing something because you enjoy it? If you’re both into it, do it. You don’t need an excuse. You don’t have to wait for a reason.

Bring back the things that brought you into bdsm, and the flame will return. Life is better when you eliminate the extraneous.

COPE

COPE tickets are now on sale. Get some.

Hit Counter

There’s something I don’t understand about peoples’ scenes.

Sometimes the dom will have the sub count the number of strokes during impact play. I have yet to find any reason behind this, even though it’s a fairly common practice.

Why are you so obsessed with knowing the number of times you’re hitting someone? Does that number really matter? Is is OCD? And are you so lazy you can’t keep a silent count in your head if you really want to know the number?

Confidence- Now in a Convenient Travel Size!

So many subs consistently put themselves down, and they wonder why they have so much trouble finding somebody. Usually, they blame it on the mythological ratio of dominant women to submissive men. Introspection isn’t always easy, and it takes less effort to blame it on some external factor that you have no control over.

It’s time to look at yourself and your approach.

“Worthless” is a pretty common descriptor they use. Seriously, if you’re worthless, and you’re giving yourself to someone else, what kind of gift is that? “Here, have a worthless piece of crap.” Gee, thanks.

Others try to degrade or humiliate themselves in the hopes of impressing someone. Come on, guys, leave that to her. If you humiliate yourself, that leaves none for her. You’ve already done it, so she can’t. On top of that, this approach assumes that a scene has already started, and that’s making a pretty big assumption. Some find that insulting. You may be all horned up, but you can’t just jump right to the scene without making some sort of connection with that person first.

How about growing a spine? What fun is it to dominate a limp noodle?

Come closer and I’ll tell you a secret. Ready? Most women enjoy it more when they dominate men who are strong, confident (but not arrogant) and have a sense of self-worth. Not only that, but the pure attraction and chemistry usually flow in both directions a lot better when you’re sure of yourself.

Get up off your knees and have a normal conversation. If there’s chemistry, she’ll put you back on your knees soon enough.

Do-me Subs, Do-me Doms

We’ve all run into the do-me subs- people who are only concerned with their own needs and not the needs of the dom. It’s a selfish approach to bdsm. They usually hold some unrealistic, overly idealistic fantasies. And there are plenty of do-me dommes with the same attitude, thinking it’s only about them. And of course, they’ve got their own unrealistic fantasies. It’s the same problem on both ends of the d/s spectrum.

Here’s what I don’t understand: Lots of do-me dommes think they alone define what constitutes d/s. If you don’t agree with their one-sided fantasy, then you’re “not really submissive” or “just playing games”. If you’re not interested in doing their housework or being cheated on, they try to insult you and belittle your submission. They feel justified in this double standard; they’ll often knock the do-me subs, yet they carry the same “all about me” attitude themselves. And they think that’s okay, simply because they call themselves dominant.

This isn’t a problem of being submissive or not submissive. It’s a problem of compatibility. Just because you’re not compatible, that doesn’t mean the other person isn’t submissive. They may not be your particular flavor of submissive, but that doesn’t give you the right to make them feel like they have no place in bdsm. It’s a matter of personal preference. If someone doesn’t fit well with you, find someone who does.