Prose on the Pros (and Cons) of Pros

People in the bdsm world have a wide range of opinions on pro-dommes. Some think they’re evil, puppy-eating, soul-destroying ass puppets. Others hold them up as the standard of what all dommes should be. And there are plenty of positions between the two extremes.

I try to make that call on an individual basis rather than blanketing them all without knowing them.

On one hand, I understand that some people have high-profile jobs and can’t be involved in their local bdsm communities. Some people just don’t want to put in the time getting to know people and making friends, so they pay for a single scene and move on. Others are extremely intimidated by the social aspect of the community, have no desire to experience bdsm in the context of a relationship, or only want one or two scenes a year. For all these people, going to a pro makes sense.

But there are some pros who get involved with the local scene only to fish for new customers. They don’t strike up friendships or spend much time talking with people who aren’t useful to them. Some have come to events with a photographer, taken some pictures, and left. They try to give the impression that they’re actually involved with the community. Of course, there are also others who do get involved, coming to munches and parties, making friends, and having fun in the local scene.

There are pros who string along the people who see them. Just a few more sessions, a few more payments, and just maybe he’ll become “special” to her. They dangle the false hope of a relationship in order to squeeze more money out of their customers. Not all do this, but I’ve seen it enough for it to be fairly prevalent.

I’ve played with a few pros, but only as friends, never as a paying client. I cherish the knowledge that when I play with someone, she’s genuinely getting something out of it. If she was playing with me because I was paying her, I’d question whether she’s really into it. Anyone can act. If you go to a strip club, the dancers act like they’re interested in you. But see how they act when they’re not working. Are they still interested?

Some take the “nothing’s free” stance. If you consider friendship and conversation to be payment, then I agree. I play with friends frequently and it doesn’t cost a thing. No money, no presents, no bartering with chickens, no payment of any kind. We do it because we enjoy it. Same thing in a relationship. I value what they do and they value what I do. Why should I pay for something I’m already getting for free?

Going to a pro doesn’t make sense for me, but for some others, it may be worth it. I think it’s best to look at pros as people rather than as pros. I don’t want to be defined solely by my job either. Who is she as a person? Is she approachable or arrogant and icy? Is she just fishing for clients or really trying to make friends? Does she believe in female supremacy, or does she take a more realistic worldview? There are plenty of criteria that can be used to form an opinion of someone, so individual discernment is called for. Just like any other group, pros are spread all over the spectrum of personalities.

Smooth Operator

Some people compare those who shave their pussies (or cocks) to pedophiles. They say it’s an effort to look like a kid, and to sexualize that. Here’s what I don’t get-

Every time you see an adult with a shaved crotch, *you* think of little kids’ private parts. How exactly does that make *me* a pedophile? I’m perfectly capable of looking at a naked adult and seeing a naked adult. If you’re not able to do that, then it seems you’re the one with the problem.

People shave lots of other body parts- legs, face, head, armpits, etc. So why don’t you think of kids when you see that? Why do you only think of kids when there are genitals involved? Who’s the pedophile here?

Self-Control

Online, lots of guys talk about how they need to be put in chastity because they can’t control themselves. They see themselves as too weak to maintain control of their masturbatory habits. So, of course, a cock cage is the solution.

How does this make any sense at all?

If you have no self-control, that’s a problem. If your wanking is getting to the point where it interferes with your life, you need more help than just a chastity device. If you’re genuinely addicted (to anything) then get help. It’s out there.

Besides, one of the hot parts of bdsm is giving control to someone else. If you don’t have that control in the first place, how can you give it to the other person? What kind of domme would want to be with someone who’s too weak to control his own life, someone who doesn’t have his affairs in order?

If you’re talking with other bdsmers, and you’re into t&d, just be honest about it. There’s no need to make up some story or absurd reason why you “need” to be locked up. If you’re into it, that’s reason enough. If this type of play does something for you, do it.

Yes, I’m Still Alive

As far as I know, anyway.

Haven’t been around much lately. The past six weeks, I’ve been seeing someone, but we just split a few days ago. We were both hoping it’d work out, but it didn’t.

Still looking for a job closer to the city, but the job market sucks right now.

Sheeple

I’m all for learning lessons from the past. If I (or others) can benefit from someone else’s experience and mistakes, that’s definitely a good thing. But I fail to see the sense in clinging to tradition. Why should I structure my relationships a certain way or restrict myself in some way just because others have done it in the past? How exactly does this benefit anyone? I see no sense in playing follow-the-leader, especially when the “leaders” aren’t living their relationships in a way that I’d like to.

That’s not to say that there’s nothing of value to be learned from others’ experiences. There is. Still, learning from what they’ve done is a lot different than trying to mimic their attitudes, beliefs, ways, and values. You can learn from the past without getting rid of your individuality. But when you try to replicate others’ experiences and adopt their beliefs rather than doing things your own way, you do so at the expense of your own identity.

I (and many others) broke away from the “normal” or vanilla way of doing things in order to be involved with bdsm. I decided that I have no reason to be restricted by their arbitrary rules. So why should I adopt another set of rules that I don’t agree with? Isn’t that just trading one inconvenience for another? I’d much rather be true to who I am without having to worry about whether I’m acting and thinking in a way that will be approved of by the bdsm tribunal.

The founders of the bdsm community should be lauded for what they’ve done in building an in-the-flesh community of individuals with similar interests. Commended, but not revered as deities. Yes, they accomplished something great. But we don’t need to parrot their actions and attitudes. We can keep the foundations of the community they started without sacrificing ourselves in the process.

The demographics of the community were different then. At first, it was all gay veteran bikers. Now, the scene is made up of various sexualities and genders with a wide range of interests and styles. Lots of hetero and bi people saw the gay leather community and wanted one for themselves, so they started with that framework that the leathermen had built and tweaked it to fit them. The two communities are still very different, so it’s absurd to think that we should all adhere to the old guard way of doing things.

Well That’s a First

Last night, I ran down the hallway of a hotel.

Naked.

With four women who were also naked and screaming, “I’M NAKED!!!”

We hit three long hallways. People poked their heads out of their rooms, some cheered us on, others hollered for us to come back around and do it again.

I should mention this was at a bdsm event, so no ‘nillabeans were harmed in the making of this naked stampede.

More Heresy

I’m all for learning lessons from the past. If I (or others) can benefit from someone else’s experience and mistakes, that’s definitely a good thing. But I fail to see the sense in clinging to tradition. Why should I structure my relationships a certain way or restrict myself in some way just because others have done it in the past? How exactly does this benefit anyone? I see no sense in playing follow-the-leader, especially when the “leaders” aren’t living their relationships in a way that I’d like to.

That’s not to say that there’s nothing of value to be learned from others’ experiences. There is. Still, learning from what they’ve done is a lot different than trying to mimic their attitudes, beliefs, ways, and values. You can learn from the past without getting rid of your individuality. But when you try to replicate others’ experiences and adopt their beliefs rather than doing things your own way, you do so at the expense of your own identity.

I (and many others) broke away from the “normal” or vanilla way of doing things in order to be involved with bdsm. I decided that I have no reason to be restricted by their arbitrary rules. So why should I adopt another set of rules that I don’t agree with? Isn’t that just trading one inconvenience for another? I’d much rather be true to who I am without having to worry about whether I’m acting and thinking in a way that will be approved of by the bdsm tribunal.

Well That’s Better

I finally got the replacement for the shirt that tried to kill me. (There was a mix-up in the warehouse which delayed my exchange. Grr.)

It fits well, and I can actually remove it without using a crowbar. Definitely a plus. And just in time for COPE too. I can remove this one with minimal effort, so I don’t have to make a spectacle of myself when getting ready to play. Much goodliness.